i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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