i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
