I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
