Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
