I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She needs sedatives and a leash
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
