Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
