Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize