So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
