Your dad touched me again.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My ass is underappreciated
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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