omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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