My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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