Sober January is a disaster.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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