I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize