did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
