i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
