the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
