If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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