my mouth tastes like poor choices
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize