On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
