Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
