Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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