Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
