I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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