Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
