I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
