Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
