I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
