Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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