Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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