Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize