I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize