Pants 0. Shit 1.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
