anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
