it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
