So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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