girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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