I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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