I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
