haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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