well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
