Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
