It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
