sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
