my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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