I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
