I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
