I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
