just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
