remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Randomize
