i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
