we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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