So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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