rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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