tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
