She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
