If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
