i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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