I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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