im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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