Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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