Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
